A few lifetimes ago, I ended up in a very
troubled state because i did not know where to
direct my energy. I had always been active and
creative, yet i realized that the energy was
simply not flowing anymore.
What happened to my passions and my desire to
draw, sing, dance or write?
Sure, I was still able to appreciate other
people's art, but i was no longer expressing
directly. The thought of making art was becoming
a mere "idea" and no longer a reality. I was
mired in a strange lethargy that was extremely
hard to overcome. It made me feel truly impotent
and I wondered if the condition was permanent.
(please read "wondered" as actually "freaking
out".)
So how did i "lose" it anyway?
Well, working at something that you don't enjoy
will certainly help to smother the fires within.
I was in a job that had as much security as you
can get in the modern world: good salary, great
hours, medical and dental coverage and a
position that was akin to having "tenure".
Despite these facts, it wasn't suited to
my nature and every day was an exercise of sheer
tolerance. I repressed my inherent "being" in
order to keep "doing" this day after day, even
though my soul was begging me to leave.
Luckily, I'm not deaf to the cries of my "inner
child"... especially when she has a piercingly
LOUD voice.
After great consideration, I decided to take a
leave of absence. During that 3 month period, I
took on a different job for some contrast. Boy,
did i get it. Though i enjoyed the work itself,
the environment was emotionally unhealthy.
During this time, I started to develop some
health problems. Nothing life-threatening, but
it was definitely a message from my body: Are
you gonna listen now, or do we need to pack you
a really good punch?
So I quit that job and returned to the first
job. It ended up being 2 more years of
day-job confinement before I took a big leap of
faith.
In November 2001, as i rode the bus one day, I
started to write my letter of resignation. It
was a crafty piece of prose, embedded with
tidings of joy and freedom. Life was beckoning
me with her incessantly wagging finger and i was
finally heeding it. Good thing she didn't give
up on me.
When I left that job, I had not secured anything
in its place. I was just finally willing
to follow my heart and trust that answers would
unravel in due time. With some savings to
back me up, I began the
sincerest search for my passions. However, even
though i was finally "free", I didn't feel the
call of the wild artist in me. She was still
threatening me with her silence and I was
appalled. Where O' where was my muse?
Yes, I did read the Artist's Way by Julia
Cameron... Yes, I did the morning pages. Yes, I
went on artist dates with myself. And then?
Nothing. No feelings of desire arose from
within. No epiphanies that released a torrent of
talent.
Then one day, when I read "I could Do Anything"
(if i only knew what it was) by Barbara Sher, I
experienced my first little breakthrough. It was
when she said: Any action, even in the WRONG
direction, will show you more than if you do
nothing.
Harnessing some of this kind of healthy
detachment, I was able to overcome the looming
inertia. I tried many things, took many classes,
read many books. I was meditating, going to
counseling and looking at my whole life as an
archetypal dream.
Slowly but surely, I began to elicit a response
from my creative engine. It was timid and it was
shy, but some pistons were beginning to fire! As
I watched this beast come alive, I saw that it
had never died because my core interests were
essentially the same. It had simply gone to
sleep (like that forgotten US dollar bank
account that's gone dormant from lack of use).
It was clear that I had placed my focus more on
"survival" instead of on my heart's desires.
When you don't listen, it does stop talking for
a while. Then I had become so unduly fixated on
my "blockage" that it just perpetuated itself.
As Abraham-Hicks puts it, what you focus on will
increase. As the Chinese would say: Aiya!!
(which basically means the same as it sounds.)
Over the last few years of self-employment, I've
realized that Passion for me is like an
exquisite flower that I must appreciate when it
is blooming, nurture it when it is budding and
let go of it when it is waning. If Sanaya Roman
says that detachment is a mental letting-go and
surrender is an emotional letting-go, then one
of my key lessons is to detach AND surrender
when the time is right.
My life is a cyclical yet spiraling tunnel INTO
the Light, and then OUT! Again and again...
I am like Dorothy, except I keep returning to Oz
in between residency in Kansas. Guess I have
dual citizenship and jobs in both worlds!
So yes, i'm learning to live with both
experiences. I'm learning to relax a bit more
during the dry spells, and enjoy the rain when
it pours. I'm getting better at following my
heart's impulses and honouring my intuition when
it speaks. The price that I pay when i don't
listen is rather steep.
If you too are tending to your passions,
remember that it never really leaves your side
but it can get sleepy. Be gentle and don't give
up on it. Focus on the things that you love to
do, even if it makes no sense as to "how" you
will make income doing it.
If you don't know what you love, then be willing
to experiment with an open mind. Take some
classes, attend some events, get out into the
world and taste the many flavours. One
bite leads to another. Soon, you'll look
back and be amazed at where that first timid
step has led you.
If you have a day job that you don't feel ready
to release yet, then simply make a little time
to fan the fire within. Even if it's only
minutes each day or an hour a week. If you
hate your day job, aim to start seeing it from a
different point of view. Consider it as a
temporary stepping stone and appreciate the
teachings it has given you. If you
lightheartedly maintain your intention to
uncover your passion, a magical series of events
will manifest to show you the way. Just be
prepared to acknowledge the signs, regardless of
how small they are.
Remember your essence. Your spirit is divine and
your true nature is to express with joy.
Trust, trust, trust. Play, play, play. Choose,
choose, choose. Ah, the basics of
creation...
