Saying No with Love
(1st version May 25, 2010) This version January
5, 2011
As Compassionate Beings, we are consistently
trying to expand our ability to share resources,
time and energy. As Tribal Beings, we belong to
many families and groups where the connection is
strong and our desire to participate is highly
activated. We know that saying Yes is part of
the path of Friendship and also an act of
Service. We want to be part of the community, we
want to contribute, we want to stay connected.
However, there are times when saying No is
important. We’ve all known someone who became a
martyr and sacrificed their well-being for the
sake of others. Maybe it was our parent or maybe
it was us. Often, those who have the strongest
sense of duty or obligation will say Yes to
requests until they collapse from fatigue or
illness.
On the Macro-Level:
A very important spiritual teaching for a
Humanitarian, is to understand that their worth
is not based on how much they can help in this
lifetime. Whether we work in social activism,
aid, healing arts or charity, our inherent worth
is not related to the work that we accomplish.
Even if we are consistent contributors to our
communities, friends and families, our value is
not in what we give. Our worth is indisputable
and utterly valuable regardless of what we do or
who we are. Doing “good things” is simply about
expressing our true nature, rather than about
validating our presence on Earth.
On the Micro-Level:
As a student of the universe’s “workshop” about
Time & Energy, I’ve been working at balancing
these two things over the last two decades. In
fact, I’ve used an appointment book since I was
11 years old so the organizational aspect of my
personality has long been there. I’d heard that
Gandhi often had even 5 minute increments
planned out in his agenda, in order to maximize
his workload and efficiency. Whether this is
true or not, I know that I do not want to
micro-manage my life, I just want to honor my
commitments and have free time too.
My current intention is to find fun ways to
serve more people while still respecting my own
time and energy. However, though I enjoy being
of service, there are times when I must say No
to requests for my time, energy or money.
Usually it is because I’m already fully
committed for that moment in life or the request
doesn’t resonate with me. Every time I say No to
someone, I practice the art of saying No with
Love, not Guilt. It can be challenging at times,
but I know ultimately, my truth is a better gift
than even my help.
Two Types of No: No to Yucky + No to Yummy
In 2001, I committed to saying No to things I do
not resonate with for any reason: be it a job,
person, opportunity or request. If it’s not
aligned to my heart, I must say No. However, a
new challenge started to occur in 2005 when life
flowed a consistent stream of yummy wonderful
things to me! These were things that my heart
and soul were in agreement with so I said Yes to
most of it: amazing friends, gigs, parties and
events. Three years later, I realized that I was
feeling exhausted from too much Yummy. As a
result, I decided to slow things down and
started to say No to even the most delicious
offerings. (a tougher type of No) It was akin to
discovering the world’s best buffet and learning
to pace yourself amidst the incredible dishes.
When I stopped drooling and started trusting
that this buffet would still be there tomorrow
even though I said No today, it became easier
and easier to say No to Yummy.
Now when I receive an invitation to play or to
help, I ask my body: do I have the desire and
the “life force” to do it? Sometimes, strong
desire can inspire your life force to rise to
the occasion but sometimes, even when you really
want to do something, your body says No. The
opportunity, the event or the person may be
wonderful, but you might still need to say No.
Another way to see it is that you are saying No
to one thing, but really saying Yes to another.
This way, you realize that you are always
receiving something even when you are saying No.
The Fear of Missing Out: FOMO
I remember the first time I heard the term FOMO
(fear of missing out). It was in reference to a
common experience that people have at the
Burning Man Festival. Since this massive art
festival averages 50,000 people and features
thousands of fabulous events, artworks and
venues, some people get stressed that they
cannot see it all. FOMO anxiety tends to make
people inattentive to the moment because they
are wondering if they should be elsewhere. They
cannot commit fully to what is happening in the
now because they are ready to run to the next
party or person. They want to say Yes to
everything, but end up saying No to what is
right in front of them.
We’ve probably experienced this in ourselves at
times or with people we’re speaking to. I
remember seeing it at film industry parties when
I first started working in Vancouver. The person
would speak to you restlessly, with one eye
scanning the room for a better option. They were
looking for someone who could further their film
careers and feared that they were missing out on
opportunities while they were talking to you.
The best way to deal with any type of FOMO, is
to realize the Perfection of Where You Are
and who you are with. Even though you are saying
No to all those other people and opportunities,
you are saying Yes to where you are now. Whether
it is the Event you find yourself at for the
evening, the Job you are working in for the year
or the Relationship you are involved with at the
time, saying Yes fully to the experience will
transform the journey. It doesn’t mean Yes
forever, but it just means you are actually
present and appreciating the Now.
When I took a 3-month journey to South-East Asia
in 2008, I had to say No to many wonderful
things: events happening in my community,
performance gigs and time with friends and
family.
I also had to stop my teaching and counseling,
which meant saying No to my meaningful work and
to my income for those months. Instead, I said Yes to a real retreat and
lengthy period of rejuvenation. I said Yes to
new experiences and new friends. I said Yes to
quiet days of leisure and crafting. Even though
I had turned away many opportunities at the
time, unplugging for 3 months was deeply healing
and gratifying.
Sometimes people fear missing opportunities in
their career so they say Yes all the time. They
never want to “unplug” in case they cannot plug
back in on their return. They believe they
should say yes to Work above all else and say no
to Relaxation and Play until they retire. Others
fear missing opportunities in matters of Love so
they say yes as often as they can. With
hindsight, they realize that they had said yes
out of Fear: fear of Loneliness or fear of
Rejection.
No with Love
In the industrial and information era, the power
of Yes has been greatly recognized and
celebrated. It has been an effective philosophy
to activate all types of innovation, intention
and consumption. Yes is also the mantra in the
realm of personal development as we strive to
evolve: yes to Health, yes to Life and yes to
Self-love. Yes is also the energy that fuels our
creative juices and our life force.
However, there is a time when No is also an act
of Self-Love and Evolution. There are times when
No is the best thing you can gift yourself and
all involved. Ironically, we’ve generally been
taught that No is a bad thing: no is Rejection,
no is Limitation, no is Failure. Sometimes we
feel the desire to say No but it is “No with
Fear” or “No with Guilt”. There is a No that we
have rarely been shown: No With Love.
“No with Love” is guilt-free so there is no
wavering, confusion or ill feeling. The more
peace you have while saying No, the more clarity
you are offering to all involved. Saying No with
Guilt can sometimes cause others to
misunderstand or misinterpret us. The guilt
creates mixed signals so your No may not be
heard properly. In some cases, people will
even subconsciously pull on our Guilt strings in
order to conjure a Yes from us. We can blame
them if we want but in the end, it was our own
strings that brought us into the “messy Yes”.
Remember, if you have no Guilt strings, others
cannot pull on them.
Even the momentous No that happens during
separations and break-ups can be done with Love,
not Guilt. Instead of being perceived as a
Rejection, we can trust the No is actually a
gift of truth. In the short run, it may be
temporarily painful but in the long run, this
gift always reveals itself. The more love we
bring to the No, the easier it is to receive.
This is not about sugar-coating; this is about
offering Truth without the Guilt. This is about
honoring the Yes that is arriving. It is not
just for you, it is for all who are involved in
the situation. When the truth is offered,
everyone gets the chance to say Yes to something
even more resonant.
If someone in your life is prone to inducing
Guilt within you, then they are teaching you to
say No with Love. Be it your mother, your child,
your friend or your lover, you can trust that
you are not only setting boundaries, but you are
practicing a very powerful form of Love. Truth
is a form of Love and it enables higher
teachings. And Truth need not be brutal, it can
be gentle yet firm.
Love is Not Based on Yes or No
If you remember only one thing about this
article, remember that your Love is not
determined by the Yes and it is not voided by
the No. Your Love is on a whole other realm of
Truth. Though our actions and decisions can
spring from Love, the No and the Yes that we
offer to others does not prove nor devalue our
Love. Thus, you can say “No With Love” instead
of “No with Guilt”. When we stop seeing the No
as a rejection or limitation, the world can
receive your No with more ease. Even the ending
of a relationship does not mean the end of the
Love, it is simply the transformation of the
container. Therefore, even “No to Relationship”
does not mean the end of the Love.
On the flip side, whenever you receive a No, you
can use those moments to practice the art of
“Receiving No with Love”. This can be equally
challenging! Whether the No is said lovingly or
not, can we learn to receive it with more grace?
Can we practice enough Unattachment to release
our powerful expectations? Can we embody enough
unconditional Love to accept the No as the Gift
of Truth instead of as the punishment of
Rejection? Receiving someone’s No with
acceptance instead of Disappointment, is our
gift in return. This practice is a two-way
street because the “No with Love” goes both
ways: in the Giving and in the Receiving.
I will take a clean No over a messy Yes anytime.
I’d rather say No with Love than say Yes with
Resentment. May we all offer No with increasing
trust that a greater Yes arises each time. May
we try our best to allow others the Freedom to
say Yes or No, without guilt or judgment. May we
practice receiving and giving Truth with more
clarity, trusting that everyone wins in the long
run…
